We found a place. It was a foreclosure. It’s smaller than what some people say a 7 person family needs, but it’s a mansion to most of the world. It needed some TLC, paint, floors, appliances, fixtures…
Enough Said!
THIS IS CHRIS! Enough said right?
At least I want everyone to know that the poor writing that you are reading is not from my lovely wife but from me, myself, and I. I shared with Annette earlier today that I had a thought rolling around in my head today. I mean it is as if there is just empty space with cobwebs and the sound of a dripping faucet in the corner echoing throughout the abandoned area of my head space. My mind is not unlike the blankness of an empty tomb that has been locked up for centuries and the dark and dank smell of mildew wafting through it. I would even say that the space (my head) might even be comparable to a large empty warehouse in which no one ever enters except a tiny creature foraging for food. The emptiness is there today except for this bouncing ball that I will call LOVE floating through the air and hitting obstacles and ricocheting every which way and it just keeps on going and going and going. The only way I could think to get rid of it was to write it. So here we go…
I am not a writer. In fact my English scores from all of my schools will show you that. I have lots of thoughts, but organizing them in a way that whisks the reader away to another place is not my thing. SO this leads the question of what is my thing? IS it working with my hands? Sometimes, but not today. WHAT about raising 5 kids and a family? Yes, I can do that as well, but again not today. IS it planning and organizing work to be accomplished and leading my coworkers to achieve the goal? Sure but again, not today. WHAT about leading the mission and ensuring that my airmen are safe and doing the best job they can? Yes that is always there but it is not my thing today!!! NOPE! NOT AT ALL! NOT ANY OF THESE THINGS ARE WHAT IS ROLLING AROUND IN MY HEAD!
I labeled it earlier today as LOVE. This four letter word that has so much meaning that countless books, poems, songs, sonnets, haikus, etc…. have been written about it. Then there are the movies, plays, podcasts, radio programs, and all of the other entertainment avenues that try to show it and explain it. BUT, I MEAN NOTHING can explain it to an individual unless they have experienced it. I HAVE!!!!!!!
Now this would be a good time to go all spiritual and say that true love comes from God and the ultimate sacrifice that Jesus paid on the cross gave is true love. YES! I agree with that statement, but that is not the thought in my head. The thought in my head is LOVE! And I have experienced it.
Today is my 39th birthday. That’s right, I am an “old turd muffin” (Jonah’s words). I mean one more year and I turn 40 and it all goes down hill from there, right? I don’t think that is true but we will see when I get there. For now though, today is my 39th birthday and I have felt loved all day. In little ways, like my wife rubbing my shoulders and my son smiling at my jokes, my daughter making me no bake cookies, and the thousand hugs from my kids, and the cards and well wishes I have received all day have not gone unnoticed. They have been fantastic and allowed me to feel so loved. They have boosted me to enjoy the day in a surreal way. THANK YOU for all of those things.
BUT TODAY IS ALSO MOTHER’S DAY!!!!!!! Yes, I am screaming this at you because you have better appreciate your mother!!!!!!I do not care how annoying she is, or how many times she bugs you about anything in life, or how many times she asks for your help. Appreciate her!!!
I didn’t! There I said it! I didn’t!
This is the tenth mothers day that I have not had my mom here. Ten years have gone by without me being able to tell my mother I love you and appreciate you. Ten years of my life that she has not seen of me or my children. She has missed two births of children, me graduating college three times, ten of my birthdays, a 6 month deployment, me battling pneumonia and almost dying from it, my wife having a major back surgery, 3 kindergarten graduations, countless choir performances, piano recitals, ball games, awards banquets, fishing trips, hunting trips. phone conversations, deaths of her mother and in-laws, and the list goes on and on.
EVERYTIME I WISH I COULD SEE HER AND TELL HER I APPRECIATE YOU MOMMA!
EVEYTIME I WISH I COULD SAY ‘SEE THIS IS YOUR LINEAGE”
EVERYTIME I WISH I COULD SAY THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME EXPERIENCE YOUR LOVE!
But I can’t. No I have to settle for a memory of what used to be. I struggle to remember the sound Of her voice. I struggle to remember how she said my name. I struggle to remember her smile. I struggle to remember her touch. I did not appreciate her enough. Oh I thought I did. I thought I gave her all I should, but I did not. Now I long to tell her thank you for loving me. Now I desire to show her love by lavishing her with conversations, photos, cards, and gifts. Now I desire to invite her to anything and everything I can BUT I CAN’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And that’s ok…….
It is ok because my momma. My mother. My mom, she is where she is supposed to be, with God.
Enough said.
Homeschool Year 10 – A Day in the Life
I have an app on my phone that causes me to have the competing emotions of happiness and sadness daily. You may have heard of Timehop? After beginning our tenth homeschool year last week, a few pictures from 7 years ago came across my screen. 2011. Foster was in 2nd grade, Katie in 1st grade, Theodore was almost 4, Parker had just turned 2 and I was 7 months pregnant with Jonah.
I think there were about 6 pictures but I found myself analyzing everything. The place we lived at the time, the school books they were working in or toys they were playing with. It was a homeschool day-in-the-life but I wanted more! I wish I’d taken a picture of myself with my ginormous belly. I barely remember those days. I remember them but I can’t transport myself back to feeling the same, when I only had one child who was beginning to read and still had someone in diapers. When I had fatigue and hormones and very little patience. When we were still adjusting to the loss of Chris’s mom and the fact that his dad was about to remarry. When Chris was new to his job at the airport and our purse strings were pulled extremely tight. Scraping by to feed and clothe and house a family of 6 (almost 7).
It’s the looking back that affirms our choices. We can ponder and speculate all day long the “what-if’s” of life and try to feel confident in what the future will hold, but the looking back reassures me that while at the time it felt too difficult to be good, that God did honor our choices and is continuing to care for us and give us an abundant life. If someone had said to that tired, overwhelmed, burned out, struggling momma that she’d be mentally and emotionally strong enough to become a foster mom, I’m sure she would have said you were crazy. Or that she’d have the courage to homeschool her children through high school! At that time I was still trying to figure out how to get someone from reading c.a.t. to reading chapter books. Oh the stress!
Today I stalked my children and took some day-in-the-life photos. In another 7 years, I’ll be able to look back and praise God for what He was doing, what He was teaching all of us on those days.
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Who called you?
Our most recent emergency/temporary foster placement was a 4-year-old girl who in a 5 minute span, asked me to sing “Jesus Loves Me” twice, asked me “who called you” and told me she “didn’t like it here”.
She was in our home for approximately 36 hours. She came after midnight with a small trash bag of dirty, smelly, stained, ill-fitting clothing and a few stuffed animals to which she didn’t seem particularly attached. The department also brought one of those care packages that non-profits and churches have been giving lately. It’s a large, pink sack with a child-sized blanket and pillow, some new toiletries, notebook, crayons, small toys and new stuffed animals.
She also had 4 clean adult-sized pull-ups with her because she was so heavy that even the largest child’s pull-up wouldn’t fit her.
When we get these calls, as I did at 9:45pm on an average, busy summer evening, I was already a little hyped up. We had gotten another call at 8:15pm while arriving to pick up my oldest son and his friend from soccer camp. So, call number one was for a 3-year-old boy, 5-year-old girl sibling set. I pointed out to the placement worker all the ways that we would be going outside of department rules to take them. She said she wanted me to call my husband anyway. And that she would call her team leader and make sure it was doable. She said she would call me in an hour.
I spoke with my friend when I dropped off her son and let her know that we could be getting kids in the middle of the night and asked if she could do the morning run to the day camp our boys were attending. Of course, she graciously said she would.
The hour came and went and I texted the original worker who had called and asked if they had found a place for the 2 children. She said they had but that she was about to call me about a 4-year-old girl.
When she called, I heard the details and my heart started to break a little.
They arrived from a county an hour away about 12:30am. She was a beautiful, biracial child. I was able to get her to sleep by 1:30am.
I, however, laid on the couch, praying and trying to sleep. I cried out to God. And the most common question for me is “why Lord?” Why does it get to this point? This child clearly needed an intervention in her care years ago. At 4 years old she weighed more than my almost 9-year-old son. I was sick. It’s not fair. I admit, I do try to love and pray for birth parents. And I am fully committed to bio families staying together. Even if that’s an aunt and uncle or grandparents. I want any child to be able to stay connected with their family of origin.
But. This is not okay.
By the time she was crying herself to sleep the second night, she was saying all kinds of things to me. Asking all kinds of questions that I cannot answer. “When will I see my mommy again?” “Why am I here?”
Chris, Foster, Katie and I spent an hour debriefing the past hours while she cried herself to sleep. We had to ask ourselves hard questions. And it’s not just as easy as “we’ll keep her and make her better”. We have to trust what God shows us. We have to trust how he’s built our original family and how he’s equipped each of us.
Placement let me know this morning that they found her a permanent placement. The description sounded like exactly what she will need.
I fell on my knees before God. Thanking him for continuing to do a work in me and my family. For shaking us to our core with a front row seat of this pain and brokenness and reminding us to be wary of our pride and feeling like our family is the place, with the answers, for every child. Because there is only One who can truly have those answers. As much as I want to minister and serve these precious children and families, my greater desire is to never get in the way of what God is trying to do in their lives.
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
–Isaiah 43:2
Hard wait
I sorted clothes today at one of our local foster care closets. I helped a teen boy, 15-years-old, pick out some jeans and shirts. I had him laughing because I was teasing him that his favorite color must be gray. I offered him a sweater and told him he’d look like Mr. Rogers. Once I had made him smile, I didn’t want to stop. I wanted to say, “Hey, I get that life really sucks today. But hang in there.” But I didn’t.
Driving home from volunteering there today I was overwhelmed with some really big feelings. Monday of this week, we got 3 calls for teens in less than an 8 hour time span. Tuesday and Wednesday of this week a teen that is very close to our family was texting me, sharing that she’s having a bad week. Then Thursday (today), I meet this young man at the closet.
He wasn’t in school today because he just came into care with his siblings.
So, yeah. Big feelings.
My own teenage son and his siblings aren’t in school today either. They’re not even doing schoolwork here because they are on a trip with their grandparents. Getting to swim, ride bikes, play laser tag. They are eating junk food and watching too many movies. They’re making memories and getting loved on.
They aren’t standing awkwardly with adults asking them what size they wear and handing them used clothing and shoes and a coat that’s a little too big. They aren’t wondering what tomorrow will hold. When they will see or talk to their parents? What will school be like now?
This is painful. This wait. I know now isn’t the time for us to take in teens from foster care.
And I know, logically, that because our family is big and that often times sibling groups come into care together, that getting a call for a single child isn’t going to happen as often. I get it.
But, friends, this is a hard wait. Knowing, meeting, seeing all the children that need care and feeling like we can’t just say, “yes, bring them here.” It’s heart-wrenching.
So I am continuing to lean on truth. And help where I can.
Katie turns 12
My girl! She’s growing up. This past year she has changed a lot, I feel like the teen years start early for girls. She’s had all the emotions and feelings and some friend drama sprinkled in. She’s asking bigger questions and digging deeper to find answers. She cries a little easier, especially if she thinks she has disappointed her daddy or I. She snaps a little faster if someone is hateful or rude to her. But she is still so kind and patient. She is smart, eager to learn. She loves Science and World Geography and she tackled a 2000 piece puzzle and completed it in 2 weeks. I’m so proud of her and can’t wait to see all the amazing things she will do.
1st Birthday and Going Home
Pipsqueak turned 1 year old in September. We were able to have her first birthday party here at our home with her new mommy and daddy. She spent one last night with us on her birthday and then headed home with them the next day. I think it’s safe to say we all miss her. Some of us more than others (Parker asks about her almost every day).
I’ve gone through a rollercoaster of emotions over the past 2 months. I kept hoping they would hurry and call with another child who needed us but I see now that God knew I needed a little breather.
Her adoptive momma keeps me posted with pictures and videos, asks me questions about what to feed her next and whether we’ve gotten a new foster kiddo yet. I think it helps in some ways to still have the contact but in other ways its hard to see *my* baby hitting all these milestones without me/us to see them and be there for her.
The thing is she’s not mine, not ours and we know that. I am so thankful that God allowed us to have her for a year. She was placed in our home for exactly 365 days. That’s pretty crazy in the foster care world. I feel like everything about Pipsqueak and her time here, God had perfected from the beginning. His ways are not our ways and seeing that in such a tangible way has grown me closer to Him.
Jonah turns 6
Jonah turned 6 years old on September 28th. He is a smart, sweet little boy with an active imagination. He loves to help his older siblings and he really enjoyed being a “big” brother while Pipsqueak was here. This is his Kindergarten year and he’s eager to learn to read so he can get his own library card like the big kids. Some days he takes advantage of his status as youngest but most of the time he’s pretty mature for his age. He has several “friends” that he drags around the house with him like his little, satin brown lovey, his Mickey Mouse and his other animals daddy has brought home from trips. His big brown eyes and sweet smile light up my world. We love you, Jonah-baby!
All the Little Grubbs 