All the Little Grubbs

THIS IS CHRIS!  Enough said right?

At least I want everyone to know that the poor writing that you are reading is not from my lovely wife but from me, myself, and I.  I shared with Annette earlier today that I had a thought rolling around in my head today.  I mean it is as if there is just empty space with cobwebs and the sound of a dripping faucet in the corner echoing throughout the abandoned area of my head space.   My  mind is not unlike the blankness of an empty tomb that has been locked up for centuries and the dark and dank smell of mildew wafting through it.  I would even say that the space (my head) might even be comparable to a large empty warehouse in which no one ever enters except a tiny creature foraging for food.  The emptiness is there today except for this bouncing ball that I will call LOVE floating through the air and hitting obstacles and ricocheting every which way and it just keeps on going and going and going.  The only way I could think to get rid of it was to write it.  So here we go…

I am not a writer.  In fact my English scores from all of my schools will show you that.  I have lots of thoughts, but organizing them in a way that whisks the reader away to another place is not my thing. SO this leads the question of what is my thing?   IS it working with my hands? Sometimes, but not today.  WHAT about raising 5 kids and a family?  Yes, I can do that as well, but again not today.   IS it planning and organizing work to be accomplished and leading my coworkers to achieve the goal? Sure but again, not today.  WHAT about leading the mission and ensuring that my airmen are safe and doing the best job they can?  Yes that is always there but it is not my thing today!!! NOPE!  NOT AT ALL! NOT ANY OF THESE THINGS ARE WHAT IS ROLLING AROUND IN MY HEAD!

I labeled it earlier today as LOVE.  This four letter word that has so much meaning that countless books, poems, songs, sonnets, haikus, etc…. have been written about it.  Then there are the movies, plays, podcasts, radio programs, and all of the other entertainment avenues that try to show it and explain it.  BUT, I MEAN NOTHING can explain it to an individual unless they have experienced it.   I HAVE!!!!!!!

Now this would be a good time to go all spiritual and say that true love comes from God and the ultimate sacrifice that Jesus paid on the cross gave is true love.  YES!  I agree with that statement, but that is not the thought in my head.  The thought in my head is LOVE!  And I have experienced it.

Today is my 39th birthday.  That’s right, I am an “old turd muffin” (Jonah’s words).  I mean one more year and I turn 40 and it all goes down hill from there, right?   I don’t think that is true but we will see when I get there.  For now though, today is my 39th birthday and I have felt loved all day.  In little ways, like my wife rubbing my shoulders and my son smiling at my jokes, my daughter making me no bake cookies, and the thousand hugs from my kids, and the cards and well wishes I have received all day have not gone unnoticed.  They have been fantastic and allowed me to feel so loved.  They have boosted me to enjoy the day in a surreal way.  THANK YOU for all of those things.

BUT TODAY IS ALSO MOTHER’S DAY!!!!!!!  Yes, I am screaming this at you because you have better appreciate your mother!!!!!!I do not care how annoying she is, or how many times she bugs you about anything in life, or how many times she asks for your help.  Appreciate her!!!

I didn’t!   There I said it!  I didn’t!

This is the tenth mothers day that I have not had my mom here.  Ten years have gone by without me being able to tell my mother I love you and appreciate you.  Ten years of my life that she has not seen of me or my children.  She has missed two births of children, me graduating college three times, ten of my birthdays, a 6 month deployment,  me battling pneumonia and almost dying from it, my wife having a major back surgery, 3 kindergarten graduations, countless choir performances, piano recitals, ball games, awards banquets, fishing trips, hunting trips. phone conversations, deaths of her mother and in-laws, and the list goes on and on.

EVERYTIME I WISH I COULD SEE HER AND TELL HER I APPRECIATE YOU MOMMA!

EVEYTIME I WISH I COULD SAY ‘SEE THIS IS YOUR LINEAGE”

EVERYTIME I WISH I COULD SAY THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME EXPERIENCE YOUR LOVE!

But I can’t.  No I have to settle for a memory of what used to be.  I struggle to remember the sound Of her voice.  I struggle to remember how she said my name.  I struggle to remember her smile.  I struggle to remember her touch.  I did not appreciate her enough.  Oh I thought I did.  I thought I gave her all I should, but I did not.  Now I long to tell her thank you for loving me.  Now I desire to show her love by lavishing her with conversations, photos, cards, and gifts.  Now I desire to invite her to anything and everything I can BUT I CAN’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that’s ok…….

It is ok because my momma.  My mother.  My mom, she is where she is supposed to be, with God.

Enough said.