Category Archives: gratitude

A New Year

Foster, foster care, gratitude, Jonah, Katie, marriage, memories, Parker, Theodore January 5, 2021 Leave a comment

As a whole, humanity seems extremely happy to put the year 2020 behind them and move into 2021.

Personally, I feel the same! Some really great things happened in 2020 but the high amount of stress and anxiety has overshadowed it all.

I began walking for exercise in 2020. When our first required quarantine began in March, I decided to try and start walking for exercise and it turned out it was more needed for mental health than anything else!

I had some very consistent walking months, started gaining strength and losing weight. Then we got a call from DCS and our year turned from confusing and stressful to a chaotic mess.

Our little Chatterbox showed up from being up all night in the ER and DCS office. She had on some clothes that the DCS office had on hand that were too large and the wrong season. She slept for hours on our couch where the DCS worker laid her.

I didn’t have anything for her. DCS had sent a bag of random items that a local church or non-profit had made into an essentials bag. Unfortunately, there were no clothes, no pajamas included.

I had been planning to go with some friends to lunch and shopping that day. Instead, they went without me and did some shopping for me since I didn’t have another adult here to stay home with Chatterbox.

Another positive of 2020, has been seeing how people are willing to love on Chatterbox (and us by extension). They’ve sent her clothes, gifts and brought us meals during some rough patches. If it wasn’t for Covid, I’m sure I could have called on them to babysit.

My kids continued to meet milestones!

Foster was able to get his license and become the proud owner of his first car.

Katie started high school and participated as a member of the local public high school cross country team.

Theodore broke his arm and showed just how tough and resilient he really is. He was cracking jokes almost immediately.

Parker has bonded with Chatterbox and will do anything to help her laugh and feel better. His soft heart is evident.

Jonah has shown that ART is life. He’s creating from the moment he wakes up until the very last moment his eyes are open. He received 7 blank sketchbooks for Christmas and he couldn’t have been more excited.

If I had to pinpoint one thing, though, the most positive from 2020 would be how much closer Chris and I have become as a couple. And how much stronger our marriage is. The stretches of time he’s had at home have been beneficial for all of us. I’m very grateful to be married to my best friend. Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of our first date. I’m so thankful for the past 20 years and plan to savor the next 40+ together.

Christmas 2019

daddy, Family, Foster, gratitude, holiday, Jonah, Katie, Lego, memories, Parker, Theodore, Uncle Anthony January 3, 2020 Leave a comment

Christmas break has been just the right amount of slow with small spurts of busyness. It’s been full of sweet surprises and moments and laughter. I am so thankful that God has blessed me with this family of mine!

Thanksgiving 2019

Family, Foster, gratitude, holiday, Jonah, Katie, memories, Parker, Theodore January 1, 2020 Leave a comment

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Ms. Debbie’s daughters (Becky and Amy), Bethany’s family and my family attempted to get a quick photo shoot in for a surprise Christmas gift for Debbie and Al of all 10 grandkids. We had to pull it off quickly on Thanksgiving day because some of the family members were in from out of town, the weather was chilly and there were 2 four-month-old babies involved.

I’m glad we took the time and money to do this and look forward to ten years from now when we can re-create it (possibly with some great-grandkids!).

Then once we yelled at our kids to smile and stop squinting and “act like you like each other” for a few minutes, we headed to Aunt Diane’s and Uncle Walt’s for Thanksgiving dinner and time with family.

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I didn’t take any food pictures or family pictures that day, but I should have! Aunt Lele and Uncle Mark and Cousin Megan, Jordan and little, sweet Rylan were in from out of town. We don’t get to spend nearly enough time with them since they moved to Nashville several years ago.

I am so thankful to Aunt Diane and Uncle Walt for always opening up their home. The Grubb family traditions are my favorite parts of the holidays.

 

Enough Said!

daddy, faith, Family, gratitude, memories, Nana, struggles May 12, 2019 Comments: 2

THIS IS CHRIS!  Enough said right?

At least I want everyone to know that the poor writing that you are reading is not from my lovely wife but from me, myself, and I.  I shared with Annette earlier today that I had a thought rolling around in my head today.  I mean it is as if there is just empty space with cobwebs and the sound of a dripping faucet in the corner echoing throughout the abandoned area of my head space.   My  mind is not unlike the blankness of an empty tomb that has been locked up for centuries and the dark and dank smell of mildew wafting through it.  I would even say that the space (my head) might even be comparable to a large empty warehouse in which no one ever enters except a tiny creature foraging for food.  The emptiness is there today except for this bouncing ball that I will call LOVE floating through the air and hitting obstacles and ricocheting every which way and it just keeps on going and going and going.  The only way I could think to get rid of it was to write it.  So here we go…

I am not a writer.  In fact my English scores from all of my schools will show you that.  I have lots of thoughts, but organizing them in a way that whisks the reader away to another place is not my thing. SO this leads the question of what is my thing?   IS it working with my hands? Sometimes, but not today.  WHAT about raising 5 kids and a family?  Yes, I can do that as well, but again not today.   IS it planning and organizing work to be accomplished and leading my coworkers to achieve the goal? Sure but again, not today.  WHAT about leading the mission and ensuring that my airmen are safe and doing the best job they can?  Yes that is always there but it is not my thing today!!! NOPE!  NOT AT ALL! NOT ANY OF THESE THINGS ARE WHAT IS ROLLING AROUND IN MY HEAD!

I labeled it earlier today as LOVE.  This four letter word that has so much meaning that countless books, poems, songs, sonnets, haikus, etc…. have been written about it.  Then there are the movies, plays, podcasts, radio programs, and all of the other entertainment avenues that try to show it and explain it.  BUT, I MEAN NOTHING can explain it to an individual unless they have experienced it.   I HAVE!!!!!!!

Now this would be a good time to go all spiritual and say that true love comes from God and the ultimate sacrifice that Jesus paid on the cross gave is true love.  YES!  I agree with that statement, but that is not the thought in my head.  The thought in my head is LOVE!  And I have experienced it.

Today is my 39th birthday.  That’s right, I am an “old turd muffin” (Jonah’s words).  I mean one more year and I turn 40 and it all goes down hill from there, right?   I don’t think that is true but we will see when I get there.  For now though, today is my 39th birthday and I have felt loved all day.  In little ways, like my wife rubbing my shoulders and my son smiling at my jokes, my daughter making me no bake cookies, and the thousand hugs from my kids, and the cards and well wishes I have received all day have not gone unnoticed.  They have been fantastic and allowed me to feel so loved.  They have boosted me to enjoy the day in a surreal way.  THANK YOU for all of those things.

BUT TODAY IS ALSO MOTHER’S DAY!!!!!!!  Yes, I am screaming this at you because you have better appreciate your mother!!!!!!I do not care how annoying she is, or how many times she bugs you about anything in life, or how many times she asks for your help.  Appreciate her!!!

I didn’t!   There I said it!  I didn’t!

This is the tenth mothers day that I have not had my mom here.  Ten years have gone by without me being able to tell my mother I love you and appreciate you.  Ten years of my life that she has not seen of me or my children.  She has missed two births of children, me graduating college three times, ten of my birthdays, a 6 month deployment,  me battling pneumonia and almost dying from it, my wife having a major back surgery, 3 kindergarten graduations, countless choir performances, piano recitals, ball games, awards banquets, fishing trips, hunting trips. phone conversations, deaths of her mother and in-laws, and the list goes on and on.

EVERYTIME I WISH I COULD SEE HER AND TELL HER I APPRECIATE YOU MOMMA!

EVEYTIME I WISH I COULD SAY ‘SEE THIS IS YOUR LINEAGE”

EVERYTIME I WISH I COULD SAY THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME EXPERIENCE YOUR LOVE!

But I can’t.  No I have to settle for a memory of what used to be.  I struggle to remember the sound Of her voice.  I struggle to remember how she said my name.  I struggle to remember her smile.  I struggle to remember her touch.  I did not appreciate her enough.  Oh I thought I did.  I thought I gave her all I should, but I did not.  Now I long to tell her thank you for loving me.  Now I desire to show her love by lavishing her with conversations, photos, cards, and gifts.  Now I desire to invite her to anything and everything I can BUT I CAN’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that’s ok…….

It is ok because my momma.  My mother.  My mom, she is where she is supposed to be, with God.

Enough said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Homeschool Year 10 – A Day in the Life

blessings, children, choices, faith, Foster, God's goodness, gratitude, homeschooling, Jonah, Katie, memories, Monday Memory, motherhood, parenting, Parker, priorities, siblings, teenagers, Theodore July 30, 2018 Leave a comment

I have an app on my phone that causes me to have the competing emotions of happiness and sadness daily. You may have heard of Timehop? After beginning our tenth homeschool year last week, a few pictures from 7 years ago came across my screen. 2011. Foster was in 2nd grade, Katie in 1st grade, Theodore was almost 4, Parker had just turned 2 and I was 7 months pregnant with Jonah.

I think there were about 6 pictures but I found myself analyzing everything. The place we lived at the time, the school books they were working in or toys they were playing with. It was a homeschool day-in-the-life but I wanted more! I wish I’d taken a picture of myself with my ginormous belly. I barely remember those days. I remember them but I can’t transport myself back to feeling the same, when I only had one child who was beginning to read and still had someone in diapers. When I had fatigue and hormones and very little patience. When we were still adjusting to the loss of Chris’s mom and the fact that his dad was about to remarry. When Chris was new to his job at the airport and our purse strings were pulled extremely tight. Scraping by to feed and clothe and house a family of 6 (almost 7).

It’s the looking back that affirms our choices. We can ponder and speculate all day long the “what-if’s” of life and try to feel confident in what the future will hold, but the looking back reassures me that while at the time it felt too difficult to be good, that God did honor our choices and is continuing to care for us and give us an abundant life. If someone had said to that tired, overwhelmed, burned out, struggling momma that she’d be mentally and emotionally strong enough to become a foster mom, I’m sure she would have said you were crazy. Or that she’d have the courage to homeschool her children through high school! At that time I was still trying to figure out how to get someone from reading c.a.t. to reading chapter books. Oh the stress!

Today I stalked my children and took some day-in-the-life photos. In another 7 years, I’ll be able to look back and praise God for what He was doing, what He was teaching all of us on those days.

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Katie turns 12

gratitude, Katie, memories November 24, 2017 Leave a comment

My girl! She’s growing up. This past year she has changed a lot, I feel like the teen years start early for girls. She’s had all the emotions and feelings and some friend drama sprinkled in. She’s asking bigger questions and digging deeper to find answers. She cries a little easier, especially if she thinks she has disappointed her daddy or I. She snaps a little faster if someone is hateful or rude to her. But she is still so kind and patient. She is smart, eager to learn. She loves Science and World Geography and she tackled a 2000 piece puzzle and completed it in 2 weeks. I’m so proud of her and can’t wait to see all the amazing things she will do.

 

1st Birthday and Going Home

baby, blessings, faith, foster care, foster parenting, gratitude, memories, motherhood November 21, 2017 Leave a comment

Pipsqueak turned 1 year old in September. We were able to have her first birthday party here at our home with her new mommy and daddy. She spent one last night with us on her birthday and then headed home with them the next day. I think it’s safe to say we all miss her. Some of us more than others (Parker asks about her almost every day).

I’ve gone through a rollercoaster of emotions over the past 2 months. I kept hoping they would hurry and call with another child who needed us but I see now that God knew I needed a little breather.

Her adoptive momma keeps me posted with pictures and videos, asks me questions about what to feed her next and whether we’ve gotten a new foster kiddo yet. I think it helps in some ways to still have the contact but in other ways its hard to see *my* baby hitting all these milestones without me/us to see them and be there for her.

The thing is she’s not mine, not ours and we know that. I am so thankful that God allowed us to have her for a year. She was placed in our home for exactly 365 days. That’s pretty crazy in the foster care world. I feel like everything about Pipsqueak and her time here, God had perfected from the beginning. His ways are not our ways and seeing that in such a tangible way has grown me closer to Him.

Foster Parent Conference 2017

baby, children, daddy, faith, foster care, foster parenting, God's goodness, gratitude, marriage, motherhood September 11, 2017 Leave a comment

We were able to knock out a ton of training hours this past weekend. Now we have until next June to get one last hour and we can do that online! It’s one less DCS induced stressor that won’t be hanging over my head. (Still need to get the dog’s shot records up-to-date…shh…)

The best thing about the weekend was just getting to be with Chris. He is rarely the only person I need to pay attention to and it’s a luxury when that can happen. We spent 14 hours in training or listening to keynote speakers, so there wasn’t a ton of free time. We did get to hang out with another foster parent couple from our neck of the woods on Saturday night. Sunday we cut out early so we could go visit some family at their church.

I had been holding my breath waiting for September. I needed this trip and I needed for our little foster baby, Pipsqueak, to get some good news about going home to her forever family. Her first birthday is this month. I was wrestling with God trying to push and push and getting frustrated at His lack of compliance. (I’m not sure why the ruler of the universe won’t just do what makes my life easier…but He doesn’t.)

What was making things harder for me, personally, was that every day I was feeling more like I can’t let this human go. If she starts walking, if she starts calling me “mommy”, if she cries when I leave her in the nursery, I’m not going to be able to do it. I felt like I was ready to let her go. And I had accepted her being adopted by her forever family 6 months ago. So she needed to just go NOW. Which is when I like things done.

God is so gracious. Patient with my impatience. He had worked it all out ahead of time and I just needed to trust this is all in His timing. But, man, foster care will take you through the ringer. Two months before we were to leave for the weekend conference, Pipsqueak’s family had planned to come and keep her over the weekend, then hopefully take her home right after her first birthday. Speaking about this and not divulging too much is a fine line. Basically, they live FAR away. They can’t just pop in and get her when they want to, or be here at the drop of a hat for court or visits.

Then just a few days before we were to leave, I get a text from her forever mommy that says that a certain DCS office has still not sent some extremely important paperwork to the licensing office. At that point, I had to just give it to God. I had to accept that His plan was greater than mine. That she would take her first steps with us. That it could be another month or three before they finally got to take her home.

Have you ever had one of those experiences where you wanted something so badly and you are praying and waiting and thinking it’s never going to happen and then you finally let go and it does? That’s what this was like.

Literally 42 hours before we left (I was counting down, don’t judge), I got a text saying that licensing had received the packet and was coming to visit their home 2 hours before they needed to leave their state and head to ours. It was a miracle. THEN the next day, shortly after we arrived at the conference I got a call from Pipsqueak’s caseworker, letting me know that ON HER BIRTHDAY we were going to have her last CFTM (big important meeting) and that she would be placed with her forever family.

You guys, God. I just sit in awe and wonder of His GRACE, MERCY, LOVE.

Because I got that call, I was able to relax and enjoy the time with my husband. And we were able to begin to talk about what it will be like to let our little Pipsqueak go. We were able to start processing together the changes it will make in our family and for the big kids.

God is so good. 21368707_10212821857768999_2279935667135562710_o

I’m 41, he’s 37

blessings, daddy, gratitude, marriage, memories August 26, 2017 Leave a comment

I guess we didn’t get any birthday cake with number candles for ourselves this year. We need to do a better job with that in 2018.

We do our best to make each other feel loved and special. With this busy life, we tend to put ourselves and our marriage on the back burner. But we listen to one another. He gets me special chocolate that I love or sends me an Amazon wish list item just because. I try to surprise him with concert tickets and make sure he gets his *gross* sushi.

Most of all, we count ourselves blessed every birthday that we have together. Couples aren’t guaranteed any time together. Our anniversary is March, my birthday April and his is in May. Then we spend the rest of the year focused on everyone else.

I love you sweetheart! You’re my handsome baby-daddy that I love so, so much.

15 years and counting

adventures, daddy, gratitude, marriage, memories August 26, 2017 1 Comment

Since it was our FIFTEENTH wedding anniversary. We decided to skip town for a weekend. It was one of my favorite trips we’ve taken together. It was simple and slow, with a little historical sight-seeing and antique store shopping. A few good meals out. A nice hotel. An amazing concert in a cave. And best of all? Zero children.