All the Little Grubbs

Scoliosis and THE BIG DECISION

Uncategorized February 4, 2015 Comments: 2

I have a not-so-dirty little secret that most people don’t know. I have scoliosis. To be more specific I have adult idiopathic scoliosis. They consider it to be adolescent onset because that’s when it was first noticed. It was during one of those supremely embarrassing times in the middle school locker room when some doctor or nurse had everyone take off their shirts and bend over so they could check your spine. I’m sure they probably didn’t line us up like cattle or anything but I vaguely recall feeling that way. I think they probably told me I needed to see a doctor, but they might have just given me a paper to take home to my parents that said “we think your kid has scoliosis – go get it checked out” in an official, medically appropriate way.

I was about 12 years old. My mom and dad took me to see an orthopedic doctor. It was a big deal at the time because we had to drive ALL the way to Knoxville from my hometown. I remember bits and pieces. I had to get undressed AGAIN. It was probably the second time I had to undress in front of people I didn’t know (the first being the school locker room). I was extremely self-conscience about my body at that age. We did have to change for gym class but I was an expert in doing that on the sly. My mom would try to make me feel better by telling me how they used to be made to shower after every gym class, with all the other girls showering too, everyone seeing everything. I hated that talk every time she gave it. I told her I just wouldn’t have participated in that as I was sure it was some sort of illegal abuse. She would just chuckle and say again “you should really be a lawyer when you grow up”.

So after putting on the paper gown and having my first x-rays, I was allowed to dress and join my parents. I can remember standing with the doctor and my parents in a small room and staring at the x-rays he hand hung on some sort of light box (I have no medical training, obviously). I don’t think I was scared. We were all surprised that my spine resembled the shape of an S because I really didn’t show much imbalance outwardly. The doctor went on to explain that scoliosis basically just happens for no reason, wouldn’t really effect me and there wasn’t much that could be done. He might have mentioned surgery to my parents but I don’t remember that part. What I remember is the doc making a joke that I had “good curves” which all the adults thought was hilarious but made me want to disappear under a chair since I weighed about 70 pounds and had no need for a bra.

My mom told me that she thinks he did recommend me wearing a brace but that I refused because I said that I would be the laughing stock of the whole world if I had braces on my teeth and a back brace on, along with being so underweight and underdeveloped.

The reassuring thing is that most research shows that even if I had worn a brace, it wouldn’t have made a lasting difference. The spine is going to go where it wants to go, no matter what hard piece of plastic, chiropractors, yoga, vitamins, mystical magical potions may try to do, if your spine is curved, it’s curved.

In my case, the doctor also mentioned that when I started having children I may have some problems. Well, I carried five full-term babies and did great with the pregnancies and deliveries. So, I’m not sure he got that right either.

What has worked against me the most is time. It’s been 26 years since that diagnosis and I’ve lost at least an inch in height since graduating from high school. I now have a Cobb angle of 45 degrees. I started having significant pain after I turned 32. Over the past six years I’ve gone to two different chiropractors which helped relieve pain for a very short amount of time but then it returned. I’ve had numerous x-rays and tried muscle relaxers and physical therapy stretches. Unfortunately, all of those are just temporary, mostly unsuccessful ways to address the pain.

Last year in the fall, my primary care doctor finally talked me into making an appointment with a neurosurgeon (which I thought was for the brain but again, no medical training). I had the first appointment in October after waiting six weeks to see that doctor he took one look at my x-rays and MRI and said “I can’t help you, you need the guy in our group that specializes in scoliosis.” He sent me home to wait for an appointment with the scoliosis guy and THREE months later I went to see him.

I knew what he was going to say, I actually held out some hope that he would. His said that he felt I needed spinal fusion surgery and that it would be better to do it now, while I’m still young (relatively speaking) rather than waiting until I am frail and hunched over at 65.

So here I am. Facing down spinal fusion surgery, scheduled for April of this year. It will be a long surgery, 8-10 hours, a week in the hospital, 2 months without driving, many months before I can be back to normal. I will have to be completely dependent on my loved ones to care for me. My husband, my mom, my children and my friends. If there is one thing that is the hardest for me it would definitely be accepting help. God knows what we need and I have to trust that He will bring me out of this surgery changed, not only physically but emotionally and spiritually.

The truth is I am excited about the possibility of being pain free or having less pain but I am terrified of what it’s going to take to get there.

New Year’s Eve, Parker’s surgery and a special anniversary

Parker January 13, 2015 Leave a comment

We really know how to bring in the New Year around here. It’s the anniversary of when Chris and I met on New Year’s Eve 2000. The next day on New Year’s is when he asked me if he could call me. I nonchalantly said “yes” but inside I was dancing a jig. We had a pretty whirlwind romance. Engaged 11 months later, married 4 months after that. I’m impatient and was getting older. I was ready to get the show on the road. Plus, I knew he was the one. I had made a list after all and he met all the criteria. This year was the 14th anniversary of all that grand stuff, but we really haven’t placed a lot of emphasis on celebrating. It turns out one of the items on my list was “someone who likes to be outdoors” and God wasn’t playing around when he gave me a hunter and fisherman. Apparently the best time to kill deer is in the winter and the best time to take long hunting trips is right after Christmas through New Year’s Day. So, we don’t get all mushy and have special dates and hold each other until midnight. Nope, it’s more like a phone call before I go to sleep, when we find ourselves exchanging reports on animal sightings and deer scat (from him) and kid shenanigans (from me) then ending with a few seconds of “remember that New Year’s Eve when I asked to borrow your jacket and told you it smelled like a boy?”

So when we found out that Parker, our 5 year old, needed to have his tonsils and adenoids removed and that the closest day the surgeon could do it was New Year’s Eve, we decided to take a beneficial insurance move and go ahead and schedule it. Most of the time in a 7 person, 1 income family practicality trumps grand plans we may have. So Chris gave up some hunting time and I gave up some child-free organization time that my parents usually give me that week and Parker gave up his tonsils and adenoids.

All went well. Those first 8 days and nights post-surgery are painful and long but he’s almost back to normal now.

Christmas 2014

Family, holiday January 13, 2015 Leave a comment

We had a great Christmas this year! Santa went a little overboard and blew the budget but that’s just the way it goes sometimes. The time we spent with family was really the highlight. We were able to have a traditional Grubb Christmas Eve with Chris’s family and extended family and then on Christmas day my parents, my “little” brother and his girlfriend spent the day with us. That afternoon even more family stopped by and we ate and ate and ate, which is always nice. It was a full, busy, happy time.

Theodore is…

faith, Theodore December 8, 2014 Leave a comment

My kids often get lumped all together in these blog posts. We are together almost all of the time so I guess it’s natural. The truth is, each of my children are so different and so full of life, experiences, humor, sadness, learning, suffering each and every day that there would be no way I could record it all. Yesterday was an important day for Theodore though so I wanted to be sure to get it down.

You know those games people play when they ask you to describe yourself or a loved one in one word? I could do that fairly easily with everyone in my family. For example, Chris is…strong, Foster is…a thinker, Katie is…a dreamer, Parker is…indecisive, Jonah is…easy-going. I would be stuck when it came to Theodore. Theodore is FULL. He’s full of energy, passion, determination, strong-will, humor, excitement, stubbornness, anger, compassion, kindness and on and on. He’s a small boy for his age, a little shorter and a lot skinnier than his peers but he is HUGE inside.

Yesterday was a hard day and a great day with Theodore. Chris had to work overtime so I was getting everyone ready for church and Theodore gave me a terrible time. He was arguing with me and everyone else about little things, but he’s tenacious, he gets something in his head (those are HIS sunglasses, that’s NOT FAIR) and he will not let it go. He made me so angry before we left that I refused to help him tie his shoes (yes, he’s 7 and doesn’t know how to tie his own shoes, nobody teaches that past the first kid). He worked it out, Foster helped him. But the rest of the day continued down a path of one that led to me offering to leave him in a parking lot on the way home so he could find a new family to abuse (disclaimer: you may not want to follow my parenting advice). When we made it home, he came to my room crying and said ” I don’t deserve anything.”

My response shocked him and may shock you but I agreed with him. Then we sat down and I read to him from Romans 3:23 “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”. I explained to Theodore that I don’t deserve anything either. That he and I are the same. Sinners. I told him that is why we need Jesus. Why we need the free gift of forgiveness.

Theodore said his prayer last night, he wanted to be sure and he wants to be baptized next Sunday. He knows that he will still get angry and still be disrespectful but now he has help (the Holy Spirit) and now he has hope and a secure future.

Theodore is…redeemed.

TBT: the lime green shirts

Throwback Thursday December 4, 2014 Leave a comment

Throwback Thursday to the time my 4 children were 7 years old and younger, I was 6 months pregnant and we decided to fly across the country to visit my Aunt and Uncle in California. I dressed them like this so we wouldn’t lose one in the airport.

Thanksgiving 2014

holiday December 2, 2014 1 Comment

We continued a long tradition of having Thanksgiving dinner at Aunt Diane and Uncle Walt’s house. Many family members were there but there were some important ones missing. My dad decided not to come and Aunt Faye was in the hospital. It was lovely to see the family members I don’t see often enough. I even got to talk writing with cousin Michael, who knows much more than I do, even though he’s ten years younger than me.

Early in the day I had just finished my first novel, I crossed the NaNoWriMo finish line at 50,057 words. I am thankful I finished so I could enjoy the rest of the weekend with my family. I still can’t believe I actually managed to write it. I am not ready to let anyone read it, or to even talk about it. We’ll see if that changes once I start editing in January.

Keeping with the NaNoWriMo spirit of doing things that you’ve never done before I decided to go upstairs at Uncle Walt and Aunt Diane’s house. I know it sounds insane but since Chris and I started dating in January 2001, I’ve been to their house at least twice a year and had never gone upstairs. I realized about 4 years into it that I never had and then I thought it would be fun to see how long I could go without going up. Aunt Diane and I decided this was the year so I did it. It’s nice up there. Spacious.

I’m also reading Harry Potter for the first time and I might, MIGHT go to Starbucks for the very first time, too. Maybe.

Nyquil buzz and NaNoWriMo week 4

writing November 24, 2014 1 Comment

“I’m exhausted. I spent all morning putting in a comma and all afternoon taking it out.” Oscar Wilde

I wish this is where I was with my novel. It would mean I had finished it. That I had made it to 50K words already. That I had conquered week 4 of NaNoWriMo. But I haven’t. Instead I’m sitting around 38,000 and while I know where I want to go with my story (for the most part) before the end of the month, the end of the month is getting here too quickly!

I had planned on writing a ton while my husband took a long hunting trip before Thanksgiving. I was also going to print out fun, turkey crossword puzzles and coloring pages and call that school work.

Instead, I’m sitting alone (thank God for grandparents) in my house blowing my nose and coughing and swallowing shards of broken glass. I have strep and a sinus infection. I stayed so healthy while all of my kids and my husband fought off various illnesses through October and November (yay vitamins!) but now I’m drowning in snot and pain and a Nyquil induced buzz. All of which is causing my word count to stand still.

I will not quit though. And even if I have to write 10,000 words on November 30th, it will all be worth it because I’ll have written my first novel.

18,799 words, stitches out, expander in

3 year olds, daddy, Jonah, Katie, writing November 13, 2014 Leave a comment

So my word count for NaNoWriMo2014 is at 18,799 and it’s feeling so good. I wasn’t sure my characters were going to get off their butts and do anything but tonight they did. So exciting.

Jonah got his stitches out of his toe. His temper tantrum from 10 days ago left him with 4 stitches in his big toe. It was gross, bloody and black. He screamed like a crazy person getting those things in but of course, daddy took him to have them removed and NOT ONE TEAR was shed.

I love the irony that he was wearing a shirt that says “Mom’s Happy Camper” when in fact if mom had taken him he would not have been a happy camper. Go dad go.

Katie had to have an expander put in at the orthodontist today. She’s getting the fun of spacers, impressions, appliances all at the ripe old age of 9. Bless her. But the experts (who never heard her high-pitch crying baby screech) say her mouth is too small and room must be made.

She did well with it today. It’s making her talk a little funny and she doesn’t appreciate when I laugh at her so I’m trying not to do that. Hey, don’t judge, I had braces for 3 years, I know it sucks. We keep telling her she’ll get used to it. Hopefully she will.

my veteran

daddy, holiday, military November 11, 2014 Leave a comment

When Chris returned from his last deployment, a friend of ours came to photograph the reunion at the airport. It had been six months since the kids had seen him, Jonah didn’t really remember him since he was a little over a year when he left. These pictures of Parker are the ones that really stood out to me. While Theodore, Katie and Foster had run to Chris and bear hugged him, Parker clung behind me and Chris had to convince him to come and give him a hug. He was 3 and a half years old, so 6 months without Chris had seemed like a lifetime.

My husband recently celebrated his 15th year in the Air National Guard. He’s deployed out of country several times and had many weeks and countless weekends away from us and from his extended family. He’s missed birthdays and holidays and graduations. But I don’t think it’s the big things that are the hardest on the men and women who have to be separated from their homes and families, from their jobs and churches, from their own world, I think it’s the little things.

Daddies (and mommies) are supposed to be there when their children go to bed, when they get sick or when they win a board game, when they finally get that book read or that puzzle built. They are supposed to be there for skinned knees and hurt feelings, for when little guys are brave enough to ride without training wheels and can write their name without help.

Daddies aren’t supposed to have to convince their little boys that it’s safe to come and give them a hug.

So to all the veterans out there who have missed the little things for days, months or even years. Thank you so much for ALL that you sacrifice.

9,312 words and healing

Foster, Grammy, Grandad, gratitude, writing November 9, 2014 1 Comment

So I am up to 9,312 words! I should be further along now, according to the NaNoWriMo charts, but I’m pretty excited that I’ve gotten this far. The characters are coming to me and they are slowly developing. I’m letting them go where they want to, because as far as plot goes, I really have NO plot. I have some vague ideas but I don’t know if my characters are going to agree with me or not. If they are anything like my children, probably not.

It turns out that Chris was too sick to go hunting this week and weekend so we have had some extra, much needed family time. I was able to have some time out of the house alone on Thursday which is always priceless. Tomorrow, instead of going to church, we are planning on a long drive to find some autumn scenery to enjoy. Tomorrow night we’ll stay in and watch a movie. We were driving to Foster’s soccer practice and I turned to Chris and said “this weekend has been so…healing.” He agreed.

Foster’s last soccer game and end-of-the-season soccer party were today. He received a trophy and ate some doughnuts, it was a nice conclusion to an undefeated season. It’s always nice to be the winners.

My parents came over for dinner this evening and I still feel so thankful that they can just drive over for dinner any time. I’m not sure they’ll bring a dessert to share next time though since my kids ate all the cheesecake before the grown-ups could get any.