All the Little Grubbs

Now, that’s a good hook isn’t it?

Here’s a look at the ways I get my kids (and sometimes other people’s) to do what I want.

1. Clear Expectations: I think as parents, we tend to think that children know what is expected from them.  This is not the case.  If I don’t want the 3 year old to color with markers on the table (or wall or their own face) then I have to make clear my expectation.  I will say, “Parker, markers are for paper. Use them to color on your paper.” Then I will ask “Parker, where can you use your markers?” and he will (hopefully) respond “on my paper”. If I don’t want a a child to run down the hall at church I will get their attention and say “Please walk in church.” Again, don’t assume that kids know what their expectations are, anymore than you would know what the traffic laws were without having ever read your handy-dandy driver’s ed book.
2. Great Expectations: Along with being clear, we need to give children credit for what they are capable of and then challenge them to do more.  My oldest son started taking care of the trash in our home right before his 5th birthday.  It was his responsibility almost every day to check and empty the small trash cans throughout the house into the kitchen trash can and then tie up the kitchen trash and lug it to our big outside trash can.  When he started, he would make mistakes like pouring a little trash can into an overly full kitchen can.  Or he would push the trash down so much that he would tear a hole in the bag and there would be a trail of trash on the way out the door.  Several times he tried to just drag the bag to the outside can because it was so heavy. He realized quick that doing that just made more work for himself as he would have to double bag the first bag and clean up a trail of trash. Sometimes it is very hard for me to stand back and watch my kids struggle with chores or school work that is overwhelming their little minds and bodies.  I have to stop myself from “helping” them before they ask, or from “helping” before they really need it (even if they are asking).  As a result, at age 8 he now wakes up most Thursdays and says “it’s trash day” and proceeds to gather trash and get it out to the road for the garbage man. He knows he is a needed member of our family. That his contribution is helping our household run more smoothly.  And that is something he can take pride in.
3. “I see you, I hear you”: My husband and I watched a show recently where the husband and wife were working on their relationship and one of the things their counselor told them to do was say “I see you and I hear you” whenever they were having a conflict. Children are just like us. They long to be heard and seen.  I feel like I struggle in this area because of the ages and closeness in age of our children.  I try to make eye-contact and use active listening skills but typically there is a toddler crawling into the dishwasher, a pre-schooler whining and a 5 year old stomping around impatiently as I try to talk to my older kids.  When I catch myself in that situation, I explain to the child trying to talk to me that I want to hear what they have to say and I will listen as soon as I can.  Then I really do try to calm things and pay direct attention to them.  It is so tempting to just go on unloading the dishwasher and say “uh-huh, uh-huh, oh yeah I see how that Lego ship could definitely overtake 247 aliens in one strike…” But I really can’t expect my children to feel seen or heard if I don’t stop, look them in the eye and show genuine interest in what they have to say.  After all, I want them to see me and hear me when I am telling them to make their bed or brush their teeth. I need to show them the same respect.
4. Realistic Consequences: I have to make a confession here.  I have a very hard time listening to parents threatening their children.  I don’t mean threatening to kill them, of course that would be disturbing for anyone, I mean just making empty threats.  In the store the other day I overheard a parent saying “if you don’t straighten up (what does that mean) you’ll NEVER get another toy!” Really? They really won’t? That’s just not true is it? I mean they will probably get something in their Happy Meal on the way home. First of all, as I said in point #1 give CLEAR expectations. By the time I was 8, if my parents told me to “straighten up” I would’ve thought (and probably said) “I’m not crooked, how come I have to straighten up?” If we are out and one of the kids is starting to yell or pull stuff off the shelf or whatever, I call the behavior exactly what it is.  I might say “Parker, you are screaming and being too loud inside. Please use a quiet voice or you will get a consequence.” In the time it takes him to disobey and start yelling again I have time to think of a realistic consequence. Were you going to buy some cookies at the store for the family? Is the family planning on staying up and watching a movie later? Then I could say “Parker you are still being loud and now you will get a consequence. You will miss out when we have our cookies later (or watch the movie).” I don’t tell him he’ll never get to eat another cookie. He would know I’m just bluffing. Make it something you can follow through on and then actually give the consequence.
5. Mean what you say: I would hate for my words to not have any weight with my children.  Not because that would mean they never obey, but because I tell them a lot of good things too. When I tell my little girl that she is smart and beautiful and I tell my sons they are strong and courageous, I want them to believe me. I want them to internalize those messages and remember them forever.  If I don’t follow through and mean what I say with consequences then they are seeing that I don’t really mean what I say.  My 5 year old tests me greatly right now, he has NO concept of time or patience or waiting.  If I tell him that snack is at 10 am and then I give in to his constant badgering and whining at 9:45 then that sends a strong message: Mommy doesn’t mean what she says. If I’m too tired to battle an early bedtime consequence I gave earlier in the day then that sends the message: Mommy doesn’t mean what she says. If he’s getting discouraged when he tries to hit a ball or write a letter and I say “you can do it!” there is a doubt there, a thought that maybe “Mommy doesn’t mean what she says.” THAT is not something I can live with, so as painful as it is sometimes, I try to always mean what I say.
6. Freedom of choice: Oh how I love choice.  My husband and my parents and pretty much anyone who has known me for very long knows that I can’t stand to be told what to do.  Because of my issues with authority, I try to set up things so that my kids don’t feel powerless. I want them to have choices.  I’m sure if you have read any parenting material you’ve heard that you should give kids choices.  However, the choices aren’t supposed to be based on what your kids do and don’t want to do.  It’s not “little Johnny you don’t have to make your bed if you don’t want to”.  It’s thinking what you as the parent want the end result to be and then creating choices that will lead to that end. Picture one of those mazes where you have to help the bunny get to the carrot, well let’s say there are 3 bunnies starting from 3 different places but they all end up at the same carrot.  (Sorry, it’s all I’ve got for an illustration.) In other words, if you want Johnny to make his bed by himself (the carrot), then you might give these choices. “Johnny would you like to make your bed before breakfast or after breakfast?” “Johnny do you want me to set the timer for 1 minute or 3 minutes to see how fast you can make your bed?” Get creative! The end result is the same but the way there is much different from a command and threat like this “Johnny go make your bed or I’ll make you sleep outside with the dogs!!!”
7. I change what I want: Pardon me? What did that say? I change what I want? Ummm…excuse me, I am the parent, the adult, the wise one. I should definitely get what I want.  Maybe. Maybe not.  Sometimes as parents we need to take a step back and look at the obedience or other conflict issues we are having with our kids and think “am I the problem here?” We all have certain things that drive us crazy.  One of mine is play-doh.  I would rather A) not have it in my house B) have it under lock and key and C) control every aspect of it (don’t mix the colors! put the lids on tight!) Well, my kids love play-doh.  After having them beg and plead and then me ruining every play-doh experience I had to take a step back and just slap myself in the head.  So I told myself  “Self, it’s play-doh. It doesn’t matter if they make a mess, if it dries out or even if it’s crusted onto clothes and into the carpet. What matters is they are enjoying themselves and being creative.” Do your kids love to jump on furniture? Maybe you should invest in a trampoline instead of yelling at them every time they do.  A parent-child relationship shouldn’t be any different than other relationships, in healthy ones both sides give and take and can’t always have things their own way.