Category Archives: parenting

Mother Lion

Foster, growing-up, parenting January 7, 2012 Leave a comment
Foster age 7 (at Aunt Lele’s house)

For January, we have had a few really warm days this week.  My kids LOVE playing outside.  Foster has had 2 of his neighbor friends come over and jump on the trampoline and wrestle and chase and do all that fun boy stuff with him the past couple of days. It makes me really happy to see him happy, hanging out with his friends.  But today, when we got in the van, he started to tell me that his friends had been calling him names, being really rough with punches, spit on him, kept his shoes from him after I told him to get ready to go, and blocked him from coming in the house.  He is not a tattle-tale kind of kid.  So when his lip was quivering and his eyes starting to water, I knew it had to have been bad.  I felt like a mother lion. All of a sudden I had this surge of anger, I wanted to go over and let those boys have it.  I tried to remain calm and asked Foster if he would mind if I called their mom.  Surprisingly, he said that he thought I should.  I told him they need a chance to teach them not to act like that.  I hurt for him, they are 2 of his closest buddies. The phone call was well-received.

When I took Katie to a all girl birthday party this evening I remembered another “mother lion” moment in my past.  I was on the other end of things though.

When I was in middle school I had a TON of slumber parties.  I’m not sure why my parents indulged me with them, maybe because my brother hadn’t come along yet and I was still an only child.  They would allow me to invite 8-12 girls at a time! I was not in the “popular” crowd in middle school. I was, however, only one level lower, which meant that I could still invite the popular girls and they would come as their own clique. I also invited girls who were actually my friends, some from my huge neighborhood or from my classes.  One particular party, the “popular” girls got to my house and asked if a girl named Katie would be there.  I told them yes.  The problem was they didn’t like her.  The next 15 minutes was a blur, it all happened so fast.  The doorbell rings and one of the girls answers the door. Katie is there. The girl yells at Katie “THERE’S NO PARTY HERE! GO HOME!” laughs, and shuts the door in her face. Just a few minutes later the doorbell rings again and I answer, wanting to tell Katie that I am sorry and explain what happened.  Well, it wasn’t Katie. It was her mom.  She started yelling at me and the main thing I will always remember is her saying “I AM LIKE A MOTHER LION WHEN IT COMES TO MY CHILD.” I thought then that I understood what she meant. I didn’t. Not then. But I do now.

"That’s a tomato."

humor, parenting, Theodore January 5, 2012 Leave a comment
I think 4 year old boys are pretty special.  They aren’t toddlers anymore but they aren’t quite big kids.  Theodore is almost 4 and 1/2 now and he changes so much every day.  His behavior has improved drastically.  He’s not having to get as many consequences and he is starting to ask for what he calls “hard school work.” He can identify his numbers and count to ten.  He knows over half the alphabet and is starting to try and trace/draw letters and shapes.  The changes have been pretty dramatic in the past 4 months.
Tonight at dinner we were having taco soup.  The conversation went like this…
Theodore (as he picked up one ingredient on his spoon) “What is this?”
Me  “That’s a bean.”
Theodore  “Oh, I like beans.”
Me  “Good. I’m glad you do.”
Theodore  “What’s this?”
Me  “That’s a tomato.”
Theodore (after a slight pause)  “A tornado? Like the thing that picks up your house and swirls it around?”
Me  “No, a tomato.”
Katie  “Is a tomato a vegetable or a fruit?”
Daddy  “Well that’s up for debate.”
Good grief. You can get really tired around here just from one meal. I actually told my kids that they had to eat breakfast this morning without asking me any questions. It was so peaceful.

To spank or not to spank…

parenting, Toddlers January 3, 2012 Comments: 2

To spank or not to spank? That is the question.  Well, for parents it’s the question. One of the big ones.  There have been several child abuse related deaths in the news lately and one author of a parenting book has come under fire.  Their names are Michael and Debi Pearl and their book is To Train Up A Child.

I was really surprised to turn on the Today show last week and see that they were being blamed for at least 3 child abuse related deaths.  The connection being that the parents’ who abused and killed their children had that book on their shelves.

Ummm….I have that book.  I have read that book and actually have lent it out and recommended to a few friends (who have not abused or murdered their children). I picked it up in Florida at a little Creationism dinosaur museum when Foster was 4, Katie 3 and Theodore 14 mos.  I could really appreciate the scripture and practical ideas in this book.  And I am sure I have used some of their methods over the past 3 years.
But – here’s the thing.  I was already spanking, using time-outs, etc. before I ever read that book.  I had read several parenting books, secular and Christian, by that time and Chris and I had come up with our own parenting style and methods of discipline.  I can remember the first time I had to spank Foster, it really broke my heart, but in my opinion was necessary. 

Chris was deployed to Columbia, Foster was 18 mos. old and I was 7 mos. pregnant with Katie.  I had already begun putting him in the “naughty spot” (Supernanny anyone?) But this day he was refusing to get buckled into his car seat. You know how they do, when they buck up and turn into stiff little straight boards and therefore you can’t get that lovely 5 point harness to snap. I started to try to smoosh him in by pushing on this stomach but then he would just howl louder and buck up more.  It was, I am sure, a ridiculous sight to behold, me with my huge belly bent in the door of our little station wagon, trying to convince a squirmy, screaming toddler into this device which was meant for his safety but was causing me to almost harm him in the process.  So I took a deep breath, took him out, pulled down his pants and whacked him 2 good licks on the leg right below his diaper. I told him in a stern tone, “It’s time to get in your seat.” And he did. Of course, he cried and sniffled but he GOT IN THE SEAT! I was so proud of my young mommy self. 

You know what though? We rarely had to ever spank Foster.  That’s just his personality, time-outs worked with him.  And Katie was/is very sensitive, so a harsh tone is usually enough with her.  Theodore is a different story and so is Parker.  Every child is so different in personality and temperament that as parents we have to continuously change how we handle things. Not inconsistency, but flexibility.  I can’t take another parent’s, doctor’s or pastor’s advice so literally or to the extreme that I damage the relationship with my own child.

This attack on Michael and Debi Pearl and their book reminds me of the lawsuits people have filed against fast food chains for making them fat.  It’s called personal responsibility.  No one is putting a gun to your head and making you eat one more Big Mac and no one, except the parents themselves, abused those children to death.

Desensitized

parenting May 16, 2011 1 Comment

About a year ago, maybe longer, we discovered that America’s Funniest Home videos comes on at 7pm on Sunday nights.  We usually would get home from church about 7:30 and the kids would have a snack while they watched the last few videos.  Now, let me just say here that, typically, we don’t turn the TV on in our house after 4pm, until the kids go to bed and then Chris and I can turn it back on and watch “grown-up” shows.  We do have family movie night from time to time. 

ANYWAY, it seems like it has been a few months, since we have watched AFV at all.  Well, last night it was cooler outside, we cleaned up early and came inside.  Chris left yesterday on a military trip and it was easy for me to say “OK” when they asked to watch.  But as I sat down and listened to the commentary and the video clips, I became more and more convicted of what they were watching and listening. A few examples are the host making fun of a lady’s size, intoxicated people falling down while dancing, cursing (with the words put on the screen so you could read them), young girls dressed inappropriately dancing and singing, etc. etc.

Then there were the commercials.  And that’s what set my alarm bells ringing big time.  Since we watch either PBS kids or movies all the time, they just don’t usually see many commercials.  But after a Mary Kay make-up commercial with a close-up of a young woman changing her “look” several times – it repeated at least 3 times during the show.  Foster (age 7) said to me, “I guess that’s how girls attract boys, huh?”

I was speechless.  I am usually quick on my feet with the things to say, but all I could manage was “Why do you say that? What if a girl is just really sweet?” His response was “well, yeah that too.” 

Our conversation fizzled quickly but my heart hurt!  I am sure many people would say I am over reacting but I feel like we have to work so hard to protect our children from becoming drown in the standards of the world.  I don’t want my kids to live in a bubble, but I want them to have the chance to see that God’s standards are the way to go, His ways are the ones to follow.  At such young ages, we can’t let them listen to whatever, watch whatever and read whatever and think that it isn’t going to effect their value system.

The thing is I was desensitized my whole life and then had to work really hard to undo what the first 25 years of my life taught me was “OK.”  God’s way is THE way, but I pray I will be able to set my kids on that path in the very beginning, so that they don’t have such a long way to travel back when they come to that U-turn in their spiritual lives. Better yet, if they don’t ever have to come to the U-turn because they stay headed in the right direction!

What about in your family?  How do/have you protected your children?

Lies

parenting December 14, 2009 1 Comment

That is an ugly word isn’t it? But it’s a genuine word and it, in my opinion, should not be sugar-coated or avoided. With children we call it a “fib” or “making it up” but really it’s just a lie. It’s deceit plain and simple. James said in James 1:26 “If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but DECEIVES his own heart, this one’s religion is useless.” And my translation of that verse would be “if you think you have a relationship with God but can’t stop hurting others with your words then you and God aren’t as tight as you think”.
I have always told my children “you are telling a lie” when they are not telling the truth. The world lulls us into complacency on this issue as much as any other. A good example of this is a book I was reading to my 2 year old the other day. The name of the book is Thomas Breaks a Promise, and I noticed in tiny print at the bottom it says “previously published as Thomas Tells a Lie”. I’m not sure when the original Thomas books were written, I know it was years ago. And sometime in the recent past someone made the decision that using the phrase “tells a lie” was too harsh for a children’s book. But he does tell a lie. He causes someone else pain and trouble because he doesn’t follow directions and do what he says he will do. I want my children to know that a lie is serious business. And asking forgiveness when you tell a lie is just as important.

being weird…

choices, homeschooling, parenting November 1, 2009 Leave a comment

I know most people go through times in their lives where they feel “weird”. Most of the time it happens when you are going through puberty and then hopefully you grow out of it. I have always been weird. Reading and my love affair with books would be a good place to start. I would literally have a book with me everywhere from the time I could read. I read anytime and anywhere and most of the time it wouldn’t matter what was going on around me – I could tune it all out. I was a public school student and that really got in the way of my love for books and reading. But I was quite the underachiever in formal education and so I would do the bare minimum of homework, you know scan the “reading” book story and answer the comprehension questions in quick fashion so that I could get back to the intriguing story I was involved in. Another way I am weird is that I detest rollercoasters. I just feel like God gave me feet, not wings so that I would stay here on His nice ground. I think rollercoasters are pointless. Those are, of course, just two examples of how weird I am. But now, as a grown-up, I am REALLY weird and just getting more weird it seems.
–I do not let other people raise my children (any age).
–I teach my children at home.
–I make my own laundry detergent.
–I take my children to church and teach them about God and His love.
–I spank.
–I use coupons.
–I clothe my children with yard sale, hand-me-downs, or clearance items.
–I let my kids get dirty, every day.
–I teach my children to say ma’am and sir.
–I expect obedience.
–I breastfeed my babies.
–I breastfeed my babies in public. (very weird)
–I enjoy spending time with my husband and my children.
–I respect my parents.
–I read my Bible and pray.
This list could go on and on. What is really neat is that I love being weird. For years, as an adolescent and into my 20’s I wanted to “fit in” and now the closer I grow to my Lord and the older I become I want to be more weird. In fact, I would love to be out and have people whisper as we leave “they are so weird”.
And that is pretty weird, isn’t it?
“Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord”
2 Corinthians 6:17

Relationship

daddy, Foster, parenting September 10, 2009 1 Comment

Chris and Foster have spent a lot of time together the past couple of weeks. Foster has gone dove hunting a couple of times with him. When Chris was working on his truck for over a week Foster was out there by his side trying to “help”. I am glad they have a good relationship right now and want to encourage and support that anyway I can. One way that is important is to have daddy involved in the daily discipline even when he’s not right there. And I don’t mean the “wait until your father gets home” scare tactic way. Yesterday, Foster made a bad choice. And instead of giving him his consequence I told him I needed to talk to his daddy and then we would decide and get back to him. When Chris arrived home, I told Foster to tell him what had happened and they went to a room alone to “discuss” it. Chris and I did settle on a consequence. But I think even more important was the conversation he was forced to have with his father. Chris said when Foster first came to tell him he started by saying “this isn’t an easy thing for kids to have to tell”. And with age and worse offenses it won’t get any easier but when you think of a parent-child relationship you are not just training them for their relationship with you. We are training them to know how to be in a relationship with God. It’s never easy to go to God, your heavenly father, and say “hey I messed up really bad today” but it’s important. How can we ask for forgiveness if we don’t admit what we did wrong first?

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