Category Archives: motherhood

Torn

choices, marriage, motherhood March 31, 2011 Comments: 3

I was really excited the first week of March.  The sun was out and there was so much to look forward to during the month.
However, just as my husband and I were leaving to celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary…my kids got sick.  Foster was first, with a nasty stomach virus.  It was really hard to leave him but my mom was here and I knew she would take good care of him.  Thank God for cell phones, I think I talked to her about 50 times between Friday and Sunday.  We went to Gatlinburg and stayed in a free condo, thanks to a good friend.  We ate out and shopped and had many uninterrupted conversations.  It would have been really perfect if it hadn’t been for the fact that I felt like my heart was torn in two.

Here’s the deal.  I love my husband with all my heart.  But my little boy was really sick.  And I couldn’t be here to hold him, to wipe his face with a cold cloth, to read his favorite book, to take his temperature and whisper prayers over him.  The reality is that my mom was taking wonderful care of him, and I was praying to a God who doesn’t care where I pray.  But to me, I was abandoning my child in his time of need. I was selfishly choosing time away over my duty and obligation as a mother.

So why didn’t we just stay home? Or come home early? Did I want to do that? Definitely.  But I had to stop and realize that what I was doing over the weekend was even more important than what I could have been doing for my child.  If you are a believer, if you try and do things God’s way, then you know His idea of priorities are lined up like this. Your relationship with Him, then your spouse, then your kids and then everyone else.  I could not get a peace about abandoning that priority.  I wanted my husband to feel that his rightful place is 2nd to God. Not just saying it, but actually showing him.  Because so many times as a  mother to young children, I am not able to do that.  I am either dealing with pressing, immediate issues – like puke on the carpet or toddlers sinking their teeth into siblings.  Or I am so tired and selfish that I put him off, again.

So I stayed, he did offer to bring me home several times.  I would cry and pray and God would say “I can take care of Foster.”  Oh…really? Sorry God, here I thought that if I wasn’t constantly in control of the things around my children that they would meet a terrible demise.

Turns out, we did have a great time, we connected and we shared and we showed one another that we are thankful that God brought us together.  I agree with my husband, he always tells me, “We’re a team right?”

We are a team. Thankfully, we have the greatest coach and leader, the glue that sticks us together is our Savior. Without Him, we would not have made it to 9 years.

Sanity & Self-Preservation

motherhood April 15, 2010 1 Comment
I had a birthday this month. It was April 6th and I turned 34. Every year right around my birthday my husband will ask me “so do you feel older?” and usually my bright and cheery answer is “NOPE!” This year, however, I did/do feel older and I am convinced it has been mostly because of all of the major events that have taken place over the last year. Last April, my mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly at age 58. My 4th child was born in July and I was very sick for almost a month in the fall. Then in January my husband spent 3 1/2 weeks in the hospital, he was out of work for 6 weeks total. And the weather, oh the terrible, awful long winter. I wish I could be more accepting of the cold, dreary weather but I really think I have a negative physiological reaction to it. In March, as spring came in and the warmth and sun started to soak into my bones I could see the light at the end of this past year’s tunnel. But I have been struggling for awhile and don’t expect everything to just be rosy immediately. Spiritually I am parched, relationally I am challenged. I am trying to take care of myself in ways that I have long neglected. Time for myself, by myself. Time with God in His word. Eating healthier and exercising. I think when I became a wife and mother I just accepted that I would have to sacrifice all there was to “me” and it’s been a long 8 years of making allowances and accepting things that have ultimately led to being unable to be an excellent wife and mother, as well as a friend, daughter and sister. I am making small changes and I am thankful that God is allowing me the time here to learn how to serve Him and serve my family and to (at the same time) relearn what it means to just be me.

"It’s my party…"

motherhood August 25, 2009 Comments: 2

Oh boy, look at those faces! I need to try to upload a video so you could enjoy the sound effects that go with these beauties! Parker’s cry is starting to evolve into the real baby cry, not the puny little newborn cry, but the put your hands over your ears kind. And Theodore, well, you know he’s 2 so he’s in the tantrum stage. We train and he repays us (me mostly) with the blood curdling screech of someone who has been attacked by a bear or hit by a truck. And then there is the “war cry” he does when Foster or Katie dare to touch something that belongs to him, or that he was playing with, or that he was about to play with. Because Theodore does not speak yet – his vocabulary of uh-oh and bubble just don’t help him communicate his anger and frustration at being told “no” or “wait”. I am a believer in training your child. Of teaching your children to listen and obey. I believe God calls us to this daunting task when he gives us the responsibility and blessing of children. One of the hardest thing in training any animal or child is consistency. And with a newborn in the house and starting to homeschool and my lack of sleep I have really been having trouble with being consistent. Really the struggle is with Foster and Katie even more than Theodore. Because their disobedience is coming from their mouth and I have been either ignoring or letting some of that slide. For example, if I say “Katie, go use the bathroom before rest time” and she comes back with “but mommy I don’t have to go pee pee” then a well-rested me would give her consequence (yes, probably a swat or two with the belt). I expect “yes mommy” or “yes ma’am” and hop to it. The same with Foster, and the bar is raised higher for him because he is older. The basic principle is disobedience = disrespect and if you are 3 and you are disobeying then you will be 13 and disrespectful. So I am trying to get back on track, be consistent again.
So if I do not train my children and then expect them to obey I am the one to blame. Proverbs 22:6 says “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” And to that I say “AMEN”!

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Theodore’s first professional haircut

motherhood, Theodore, Toddlers December 3, 2008 1 Comment

This was Theodore’s first “professional” haircut. The girl that cut his hair was very patient and sweet. I had to hold him on my lap so I couldn’t get a picture of her actually cutting his hair but his face sort of tells that he was ready for the whole experience to be over with. I was amazed he didn’t cry though. All of my children have been so hairy at birth and as babies that I usually have to do the first few haircuts on my own. I remember one of Foster’s first I put him outside in his highchair and gave him a chocolate popsicle to entertain him while I did my best not to cut his ears off. It worked so I did it this past summer with Theodore only I put him in the exer-saucer instead and he had a red popsicle. The only bad thing is the aftermath of a sticky, hairy baby and seat to clean. But, as with all things in motherhood, whatever works right? Let the baby nurse all night for a good night’s sleep, let the toddler have his paci until he’s 2 for a good night’s sleep, etc etc. I believe most mommas would be much happier if they would realize that your children will live through not going by the book, just like you did. I needed to hear the following when I had my first baby, “This too shall pass, Be present each moment, the housework can wait…” Our mother’s intuition tells us all this but society tries to rob us of our children’s precious years by making us feel that staying home, or working part-time is somehow “less than”. When what is really “less than” is wasting time on making money and gaining stuff that will break or get lost or be given away by the time your kids move out. Sooo…to whoever is out there and has the patience to read my posts, I guess you understand where I am coming from and that is that mom’s should make whatever sacrifices to stay home they can, it really is worth it!! Try it and you’ll see….

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making sense

choices, Foster, motherhood November 20, 2008 1 Comment

Last night, as the kids and I came in from church, Chris was busy packing for Foster’s big hunting trip. They leave this morning for Foster’s first overnight deer and turkey hunt. Foster, of course, was so excited. He wanted to help get everything ready and was bouncing from his daddy to me and back, full of questions. A week or so ago Foster asked my why Papaw and Daddy always talked about seeing deer “sign” in the woods. He said “Mommy, they are looking in the wrong places, why are they looking in the woods when I know what the deer “sign” look like, they are on the road and they are yellow with a picture of a jumping deer.” He was dead serious so I tried to explain what deer “sign” they were really looking for and at the same time contain my laughter and joy. Being able to just have him sit with me on the couch when these random questions pop into his little head is what it’s all about for me. I think about if he had been at school or daycare, trying to concentrate on what they are doing but having, what to him seems like a very important quandry, and not being able to share with anyone or get his question answered. Even if he tried to explain what he was talking about to a teacher or daycare provider, they aren’t there all the time so they are not able to understand the ideas and situations he talks about. I had this first “A HA!” moment when Foster just started talking. He was a little over 2 and we lived in our first house on Hemlock Ave. The memory is a funny thing because I can remember the ugly, teal station wagon I was driving and the gas station where we were getting gas, he was sitting in his car seat and goes “mommy theas a weefwection” My mind didn’t skip a beat, “your right buddy! That is a reflection!!” He was watching the reflection of sunshine sparkle on the ceiling of the car from something shiny in the front seat. And how did I pick up on this so quickly? Because a few days before, I had explained what a “reflection” was to him. I don’t remember that conversation at all – what I remember is that if anyone else had been with MY child, they would have dismissed that as 2 year old babble or said “what” to him a million times. SO in my “A HA” moment, I praised God that He allowed me to be home with the blessings he had given us. And not in a financial sense, but in a “made it clear when I sought HIS will” sense. Because, on paper being home looked CRAZY then and has pretty much since we started this adventure almost 5 years ago.