Category Archives: humor

Just give me a minute…

humor, motherhood, Parker, potty-training, Toddlers March 19, 2012 Comments: 6

It’s 10:30 am and I am already feeling like my brain is going to explode. The days stats so far are…

  • Jonah awake (not crying mind you, just hanging out and playing) from 2:30 am – 5:30 am
  • Checked email, ate cereal and slurped coffee for approx. 13 minutes
  • Theodore awake and waking everyone else at 7:30 am
  • Breakfast made, served, cleaned up
  • 3 trips to the potty with Parker
  • 3 changes of underwear for Parker
  • 3 cleaned up messes (carpet, chair, hardwood floor) for Parker
  • Encouraged Ordered Katie to help Parker brush his teeth to avoid a ten-minute screaming meltdown
  • Straightening living room and my bedroom
  • Nursed Jonah 3 times while sitting on my back’s best friend (the ice pack)
  • Got Jonah down for a nap by 10 am
  • Helped Katie with Grammar and Time
  • Helped Theodore with pre-school sheets
  • Helped Foster with Time and Grammar
  • Broke up a fight between Parker and Theodore then Foster and Katie then Foster and Theodore
  • Told Foster I would pay him 5 cents a book for every book he read while Parker sits on the potty
  • Showed Foster how to keep up with his book total using tally marks (math lesson anyone?)

And then my stomach was growling and I could tell I was about to…so I made a bacon and cheese omelet, cranberry juice and sent everyone outside.  I know Parker is outside doing his #2 business in his underwear, but I’ll just get a cup of coffee first…

How do you avoid mommy meltdowns?

You’re so funny…

humor, marriage March 8, 2012 Comments: 3

Sometimes I fight with my husband. I know, it’s shocking, but there it is.  I read (“follow” to use blog lingo) all kinds of great blogs. Ones about being a Proverbs 31 wife and a fantastical homeschool momma and some about being organized. Most of them are really inspiring. If they weren’t I wouldn’t follow them. 

What I have realized as I’ve struggled to blog everyday this year (and failed) that I would rather write funny.  I enjoy all the blogs that make me laugh. The ones that are so real and raw (but not vulgar) that I almost spit coffee on my computer in the morning.

I’ve struggled to find my “voice” with this blog. I had even contemplated starting a second blog that would be just for me and then have this one for the family stuff.  I nixed that idea pretty quick since most of the time I am trying to blog with a baby hanging off of me (and not my hip) and a cup of coffee that’s perpetually chilly because it takes me so long to drink it. 

When I was little, I really loved to make people laugh. I longed to hear “you’re so funny” much more than I wanted to hear about how “cute” or “smart” I was.  I am sort of a laugh junkie. If I get you going it’s like a drug and I want to have more and more.

When asked the “what do you want to be when you grow up” question that every kid is asked 1,372 times, my response was a lawyer or a comedian. I know. A little bit of a gap there. But arguing with people and making people laugh (sometimes at the same time) were my strengths.  Don’t we always tell kids and teens to focus on their strengths when making occupation choices? Turns out I have ended up where both my lawyer and my comedian skills are put into use. 

Kids are great for laughs. The things they say and do are hilarious. And they laugh easily at me (which for now is ok but when they’re teenagers I’ll consider it disrespectful).

I actually get to win every case on trial because I get to use the “because I said so…” clause which is a precedent that was established about 463 B.C. (give or take).  Well, I get to win every case with my kids. Not my husband. That’s a different story. Well, it’s this story that I started with I guess.

I have been feeling really crummy. First a stomach virus, then a “strained lumbar” (that’s in your back), then a head cold, a breastfeeding induced plugged-duct breast of misery, oh and an in-grown toe-nail to top it off. I’m falling apart. I’ll be 36 next month. I guess it had to happen sometime.

Since I’ve been feeling so bad physically, it has really thrown off my groove.  I’ve been buying the wrong stuff at the grocery store and I’m running late to get everywhere with the kids. So when Chris came home from class and said “I thought you were leaving at 9:30?” I flipped out.

And that’s all he said. Really. Bless his heart.

What I tried to explain later, is how the voices in my head are constantly saying “what is going on with you?  Hurry up! You are going to be late. You forgot that kid’s bag, etc. etc.” So I don’t need him to point how I have failed again. He did good. He apologized. Although, how he could have known that that one question would have unleashed such fury is beyond me.

I can’t believe he has put up with me for almost ten years. Although, the child support payments alone would make his life as a single man impossible.

He’s stayed for the same reason I have. Even though we fight, we made a commitment. To each other and to God.

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’”

Go ahead – unfriend me…

Facebook, humor February 15, 2012 1 Comment

I have this love/hate relationship with Facebook.  I started using it whenever one else did a few years ago.  It was getting on my nerves so bad that I actually stopped using it for almost 8 months.  Well, then some great info was being passed around regarding BHEA and the stuff my kids are involved in.  And it was fun to follow different blogs on there and share You Tube things, etc. 

So I started back again and I thought I pretty much had a handle on it until recently.  I know you can hide people and only see the “important” stuff they say (which how does Facebook know what’s important and what’s not?).  So that’s what I do when someone keeps posting about their cat’s bowel movements or uses language that I would rather not have my kids reading over my shoulder. I just hide them. Because I don’t want to be rude and actually UNFRIEND them. Wouldn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings or anything.

I also fall into the “comparing” trap.  I start to get frustrated that I too, haven’t been able to leap tall buildings in a single jump or save a special needs child from a burning porta-potty.  I haven’t lost 23.6 pounds in 3 weeks and I am not finishing up my 3rd Ph.D at the end of this month. Actually, what I have done today is change 5.3 poopy diapers, used 4 spit rags (including my own shirt), made 17,465 peanut butter and honey sandwiches and had the never ending type of conversations that are so mentally stimulating (i.e.”no we don’t eat that just because it’s brown and soft and looks like chocolate”)

Anywho,  I love Facebook because of it’s perks and I detest it at the same time.  When I checked Facebook this morning the detestable score just went up by a few.  Come to find out – I have been UNFRIENDED. 

My intial reaction was “Really? Really? Did you have to unfriend me? You couldn’t just hide me so I wouldn’t know that you don’t like me and I get on your nerves?”  Noooo…that just would have been way too civil.

My lucid, post 3 cups of coffee, reaction is “Go ahead – unfriend me…see if I care.”

Oh and “unfriend” isn’t even a real word.

So there.

Mud

children, humor, priorities February 2, 2012 Comments: 2

You know that really satisfied feeling you get after getting some part of your house clean?  Maybe a room or floor that really needed a good scrubbing? Well, last night Chris held Jonah and entertained the kids so I could spend an hour or so deep cleaning the bathroom.  Then, that was so satisfying I decided to sweep and mop the kitchen and dining room floors this morning.

So when the sun came out and my kids went out to play…I had to decide to replace the feeling of satisfaction that came from a clean house with the feeling of satisfaction that comes from my children’s joy.

Lots of rain yesterday + lots of sunshine today = MUD!!!!!!

Making mommy surprise soup. Yum yum.
Sharing one pair of long rubber gloves.
Parker and Katie shared the other yellow pair.
After awhile it turned into a mud war…

Rain

humor January 27, 2012 Leave a comment
Rain
I opened my eyes
And looked up at the rain,
And it dripped in my head
And it flowed into my brain,
And all that I hear as I lie in my bed
Is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head.
I step very softly,
I walk very slow,
I can’t do a handstand-
I might overflow,
So pardon the wild crazy thing I just said-
I’m just not the same since there’s rain in my head.
                                                                     By:  Shel Silverstein
This pretty much sums it up. The winter filled with rain that’s driving me insane!

Band-aid

faith, homeschooling, humor January 19, 2012 Leave a comment

You can’t put a band-aid on emotional pain.  It has to just heal slowly, uncovered, letting the air get to it.  Our healing today came from being together.  In the simple day-to-day learning and the joy of laughter.

I was eating some dip at lunch and Foster said “what is that?” I said “It’s hummus dip. It’s made from chickpeas.” He said “Gross! Chick pee? That’s yucky.”

I love my kids.

"That’s a tomato."

humor, parenting, Theodore January 5, 2012 Leave a comment
I think 4 year old boys are pretty special.  They aren’t toddlers anymore but they aren’t quite big kids.  Theodore is almost 4 and 1/2 now and he changes so much every day.  His behavior has improved drastically.  He’s not having to get as many consequences and he is starting to ask for what he calls “hard school work.” He can identify his numbers and count to ten.  He knows over half the alphabet and is starting to try and trace/draw letters and shapes.  The changes have been pretty dramatic in the past 4 months.
Tonight at dinner we were having taco soup.  The conversation went like this…
Theodore (as he picked up one ingredient on his spoon) “What is this?”
Me  “That’s a bean.”
Theodore  “Oh, I like beans.”
Me  “Good. I’m glad you do.”
Theodore  “What’s this?”
Me  “That’s a tomato.”
Theodore (after a slight pause)  “A tornado? Like the thing that picks up your house and swirls it around?”
Me  “No, a tomato.”
Katie  “Is a tomato a vegetable or a fruit?”
Daddy  “Well that’s up for debate.”
Good grief. You can get really tired around here just from one meal. I actually told my kids that they had to eat breakfast this morning without asking me any questions. It was so peaceful.

Miscommunication

Grammy, Grandad, humor, Katie August 17, 2009 Leave a comment


So the kids and I headed out after church today. Packing up the van and loading everyone but Daddy because we are spending a few days in Chattanooga with Grammy and Grandad. We actually haven’t made this 100 mile trip since January. In that time, we’ve added one more passenger (Parker) and Foster, Katie and Theodore forgot how long that van ride can seem. My sweet, little chatterbox asked me several versions and for a few days before we left “Mommy, how long will it take to get to Grammy’s house?” As I answered today, leaving the driveway “It will take a VERY long time Katie.” About 20 minutes passed and as we drove through Lenoir City she asked “Mommy are we almost to Grammy’s now?” my response, in an attempt to be more clear and have her understand was more detailed this time “Katie we are in Lenoir City, we still have to get on the interstate and then we drive for a very long time and look for Exit #11 and then we will be very close to Grammy’s house.” She chattered away for a few minutes and then said “Mommy are we on a date?” and I’m thinking – OK that’s out of the blue! Why would she think we are on a date? Because we are together and daddy’s not here? Because sometimes her daddy takes her on dates? Because Daddy and I talk about going on dates? I came up with nothing and so in response said “No, Katie we are not on a date.” About 10 minutes later, as we merge on to the interstate, she says “Mommy NOW are we on a date?” Oh. That’s what she meant. I said we had to get on the interstate. Get it? On the interstate, on a date… It’s no wonder children get so frustrated with us. Pay attention, they know what they mean.