You don’t realize until you become a parent how much time, energy and thought will go into your offspring’s bodily fluids.

When you tell people you are pregnant you get congratulatory comments:

“You are SO blessed!”

“It will be the most wonderful thing to happen to you!”

“There is nothing like looking into the face of your sweet newborn!”

And the few derogatory comments:

“Already?”

“Say goodbye to life as you know it.”

“How will you afford it?”

But typically no one conveys to you the dialogue that begins seconds after birth and ends, well, I don’t know when it ends.

Think about it.

The moments after your child is born someone (maybe you if you had a home birth) takes one of those baby sucker things and starts cleaning out all the guck from their mouth and throat.

Shortly after that the discussion turns to meconium. That’s a fancy word for the first poop. They say it is the first poop but actually it’s the first series of poop. And they aren’t really poop at all but black, sticky, tar that you would like to remove with pure acetone from your little lovey’s rear, but instead are shown by a nurse how to use a coarse, warm, wet rag to try and scrape baby’s hiney clean. 

It’s lovely really.

Then they come in with the “breastfeeding diary”. Which is a form they give to new moms who are trying to breastfeed to be sure she has the added pressure of whether or not she’s doing it right.

The one they gave me was so detailed that I was supposed to write the date, the time I started nursing, which boob was getting suckled, how long it was suckled and then how many wet or dirty diapers came after the suckling.

No pressure.

Geez.

What happened to the good ole days when you were plowing the field, birthed in a bucket and then just went back to work. You could just wear baby on your back and then spin him around front to suck his meal until he was full and soiled himself.

Ok, so maybe we don’t have to go that far but really? A written log for bodily functions when your baby is hours old?

And so begins the bodily fluid chronicles.

It’s no wonder mothers have a hard time talking about anything else.

The bodily fluid stats from just my past 24 hours would blow your mind.

My 5 kids, 9 years old and under, have been sick. So, there has been even more attention paid to what is coming out of them.

Please forgive me if you ask how we are and I respond with any of the following:

“Jonah only had 2 bowel movements yesterday and they seemed to be more firm in consistency.”

“Katie’s drainage is still a little green but doesn’t seem as thick as it has been.”

“Theodore had diarrhea 2 times in the middle of the night, it was like he was peeing out his butt, standing up. It was disgusting.”

Instead I will try to spare you and answer with:

“We are all feeling much better.”